‼️ Scattered Minds by Gabor Maté ‼️

 50/∞

Rating: ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️/+⭐️⭐️⭐️

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📚 Length: 309 pages

🔊Audiobook: 11 hours

Why you should read this book?

💡ADD and ADHD is some of the most spread out and common disorders in the modern society.

💡This book explains how ADD and ADHD are created and how to work with people who have it.

💡I'm not sure how much of this review could be considered to be a real "review" as it appears I have written my own essay on ADD and ADHD. 😃 🤷‍♂️

This review is dedicated to all people who might be struggling with relationships in family, work and in general. Based on this book I was able to figure out that definitely ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder) or also known as ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder). Many of you might have been hyper while in school. Unfortunately, being hyper and disturbing element in the classroom is not the only consequence of this disorder. As added bonus ADD oftentimes destroys relationships and ability to function normally in the society.

...

How does it feel to have an ADD?

Imagine you open 5 windows in your internet browser. Each of those windows is going to represent one task that is yet to be completed. You start to work on the first one, but then you suddenly recollect something from the task No. 4, you move on to that task, work on it for a little while until you see this interesting article and open a window No. 6. By that time, you have already long forgotten about the task No. 1. In the end, you are not capable to finish either of those tasks and on the end of the day, you freak out.

People with ADD burn fuel fast and they need breaks 

Imagine normal people as normal regular city cars with reasonable fuel consumption. Their engines are built to give steady low input over long periods of time. Contrary, people with ADD are like sports cars. 🏎️ They are build to run really fast for a very short period of time then they need to rest. Imagine a Ferrari. If you drive it like a maniac every day, it won't last you long and that Ferrari starts to hate you! 😃

Sensitivity

Bear in mind that all people with ADD are extremely sensitive and that they can blow up anytime. This is due to the wiring of their brains and it can hardly be changed. When their brains were developed, they developed in the way that their frontal lobes include "short fuse". I mean I could be totally calm and when somebody pisses me off, I just want to send that particular person to GULAG! 😂 No regrets! It really feels like there is nothing else in that moment, but that intense anger.

As the positive they feel a loads of empathy for other people.

How is ADD created?

The theory is that ADD is caused partially by genetics and partially by the environment. In the other words, ADD develops, if certain genes are present in the individual and the conditions in the environment are “right“. 

The main idea is that ADD originates from the deficiency of attention which was not given tu “us“ when we were newborns. This is illustrated on mother and her child holding an eye contact. The baby gets tired of holding an eye contact with it’s mother, contrary if the mother breaks the eye contact with the child earlier that child expects, it is then a terrifying experience for a child and a first predisposition for developing the ADD.

Whose mistake it is?

I would say mother’s. But that would not have been an entirely fair judgment. Gabor Maté (the author of the book) was born as the oldest out of three children. He has an ADD and his youngest brother as well. The middle one does not. Gabor says that is due to the environment. While the middle brother was born after the WWII when the economy was good, he and his youngest brother weren’t.

In my case I have an ADD, while my brother does not. I was born on the tail of dying communist regime in 1990’ when the resources were scarce and both of my parents had to work full-time. As the consequence I was sent by the age of 2 into a day care / nursery. I vividly recollect those memories until today. I was always one of the youngest children there. The crimson carpets, brown / oringy curtains were the representation of poor taste of communist architects. I did not like the toys either. They were broken, not nice and again … outdated and communist. I never wanted to leave my mother. Eventually I was tricked by the teachers and other kids into playing with everybody incl. my own mother until I turned around and she was not there. That is when I remember that I started to cry.

My younger brother was then born in the very end of 1990’. The financial situation of our family was better. My mother even stayed on maternity leave with him for a period longer than 3 years. She never wanted to return to the work which eventually caused financial difficulties to our family. But she had time to take care of my brother. The time she did not have when she had me. As the consequence my brother does not have an ADD.

My mother also did one more stunt my grandmother told me about. When my mother had me, she was still at the university. I was told she was taking me to the oral exams at The University of Economics in Prague where the teachers were insulting her in the was she was supposed to choose between studying and having a baby. As the consequence I was sent in an early age to my mother’s grandparents in Ostrava. I was there for at least 2 months. I just remember the moment when I was sat on the the car of my grandfather’s car. He was a lawyer and had a very spacious car with nice and soft grey seats (I think it was an Opel Astra, based on old photos and family stories). When my mother arrived to pick me up a couple of months later, I did not recognised her. But I have no memory of this event. My grandmother told me about it years later. When the door opened I was supposed to ask: grandma, who is that strange woman in the door? My mother was then supposed to collapse and start to cry.

Only now, based on this book and stories of my grandmother I can picture what actually happened to me and what consequences it has on me today. On the other hand I do not think that my grandma was a bad caregiver. Back then she was still working as a teacher in the elementary school and she was taking me with her to the class she was teaching. I eventually became friends with other kids. While they were studying I was drawing and so on.

My grandmother does not understand politics and even until nowadays it is better to not open such a topic with her, but she understood kids and education. I remember she was scolding my mother for letting me say the entire sentence because I was starting to stutter. Wise woman, my grandmother. She managed to prevent some of the damage, but not all of it. 

Me and my mother do not have a good relationship until these days. She always acted as she has did me a favour that I’m here. When I was a kid I have heard many times she had to think really hard, if she is going keep me. I know there are many of you who love your mothers to the bits. I’m the opposite. I hate my mother to the bits. Many of you love to take your mothers to fancy vacations and so on. I would never ever done something like this even if somebody would be paying me for it.

Besides my mother is also damaged which goes down to the family line to my great grandmother. She was a bitch, who was tormenting my grandfather. He never likes to talk about it. But he described me a scene when his mother (my great grandmother) bought a ham. This was on the end of the WWII. But only people eating that ham was his sister and his mother. He had to watch. My grandfather did not speak to his mother for number of years. So long, she even did not know his second child (my uncle) was born. I just presume that my great grandmother was some sort of evil which was transferred throughout the family.

Not long after my mother was born, my grandmother got hospitalised. My grandfather (I presume emotionally fucked up by his mother) placed my mother into the infant’s home. His excuse was that he did not know how to take a care of a baby. I do not know how long was my grandmother hospitalised, but she picked up my mother a couple of days later once she returned from hospital. 

As I mentioned, my mother is what I would describe as a mentally ill person. She is extremely impulsive, either extremely sweet or harsh. Nothing in between. My mother also has a compulsory shopping disorder which has to do something with her feeling of being constantly unhappy. As the consequence, she always spent all money my father earned even before he manage to earn it… So even though my family had always a decent income, we never had any money for daily necessities, because my mother spent it all…

No ADD is the same

Even though ADD sounds like a simple diagnosis, we can surely say that each person having an ADD has a unique form of it. For example, people with ADD suppose to be disorganised. Not me. I’m highly organised, like a German. The other one is that people with ADD are suppose to be night owls. Again, I’m not. I hate to go in bed late and I need (at least) my 8 hours of sleep every day. Otherwise I’m not able to function.

Now there are some common problems I do have. For example I always want to do everything at once only to discover half way through I have not energy to finish “everything“ and I end up utterly exhausted and shuttered.

Another common trait I have is the fact that I can hardly get concentrated on one single task, unless I do some sort of physical exercise before. Otherwise I’m “hyper vigilant“ and I it is very hard for me to concentrate. 

Blowing up relationships

Next common trait is that I do not mind to completely blow up relationships. Especially, if I get rejected or criticised. The harsher the criticism the harsher my response to it. This applies to many of my exes. As described in this book for people with ADD there is not difference between evil people and evil being done to them. Everyone who does me something harmful (like unfollows me on IG) must be an evil person and therefore must be unfollowed by me. I do not care if they could have or could not have, unless they try to communicate this information to me. I understand I hurt people, because I say things as they are. I'm not sugarcoating anything. 

Authorities

When talking to police officers or clerks representing the government public bodies, people with ADD get anxious and fearful. This is due to the fact that when they were children, adults forced them to act in a certain way. 

I can confirm to have a similar problem, although it is not as strong as before. When I was about to get a ticket for parking just a week ago I managed to talk myself out of it by apologising and not being an ass. Unfortunately, this is not always a case. There were many other times I have literally lost it. For example while being examined ad the state’s exam in the university at the Czech Rep. The professor played mind games on me which I did not want to play. Eventually, I went metal and shouted on her what kind of cunt she thinks she is. I passed that state exam eventually. It took another 2 attempts, one year and extra 2.000 EUR on school fees as I exceeded the allowed length of that study program. I hated that professor so much I have decided I’m never ever going to study at the Czech university again.

ADD in men vs. women

Women with ADD are extreme people pleasers who cannot say no to anything or to anybody. This leaves them oftentimes utterly exhausted and struggling with their own self-confidence. I assume that this extreme trait of people-pleasing is not present in men, because they have the hormone called testosteron, which prevents them from being people pleasers. I'm saying that because I had to consciously work on this issue.

On the other hand men with ADD tend to change their sexual partners quite often and are not capable of staying with one partner for longer period of time then a couple of months. This is also my trait… I get bored of girls I date very easily. I think I have met quite a few I could have kept and start a family with, but I did not keep them…

This obstruction to build a long lasting relationship with women is characterised by the fear of losing the mother and shows that mother was not present or mentally available to the child after birth up to 1 year of life. There were times I even dated three girls all at once just to see which one is going to abandon me as the first one. When I told them about my fears and mine anxious inner state, most girls did not react the way I would have expected them to. Some of them could not bare it… Told me I’m a weepy pussy and so on... 🙄

Contrary I also had a couple of GFs who did not get repelled by my anxious inner state of mind. But I either thought those GFs weren’t physically attractive enough or I saw them as boring. Sadly, I was always totally in love with those time-server women who were beautiful and totally crazy and unsuitable for having a family with.

Workaholism

Workaholism is another nasty trace connected to ADD. People with ADD have been rejected either by their parents, peers, jobs and so on, countless of times. As the consequence they have quite low self-esteem. In my case… I would not say I have a low self-esteem, but it definitely fluctuates. From “manic“ highs, to anxious lows. For me it is hard to find that „middle ground“ which is usually non-existent.

People with ADD tend to run non-stop until they drop almost dead. This is definitely my case. I have noticed that one of my weeks could be literally "over productive". I hit a certain threshold and I want to keep it as a golden standard for all consequent upcoming weeks. The problem is that I have completely forgotten to have a rest! The next week I would be totally exhausted, tired and moody. People with ADD function in cycles. Those cycles could be days, weeks and sometimes months long. Now there are very little jobs on the market, which allow you to respect those sudden productive by those of being completely useless. 

People with ADD do not need to necessarily perform poorly academically. I mean, if you look at me. I have an ADD. I can speak 3 languages. I managed to live in 5 different countries. I went to 4 universities? If everything goes well I soon move onto the 5th one.

To perform academically is not an issue. The issue is a self-worth and self-esteem. I think I have eventually managed to overcome this sort of issue, but when I was younger, I felt like when something is not done to 120%, then it is not good enough! People with ADD tend to earn their attention by hard work. Even I’m a notorious workaholic… 😃 I sometimes go without a stop on weekends and so on. It is better not to speak about it.🤦‍♂️

But wait, for whom I am actually writing these book reviews? 🤔 Well, certainly not for myself...

For example, when studying at the university, I had to spread out learning and assignments evenly. I was allowed to do that at University of South Wales in the UK and at Bayreuth University in Germany. Unfortunately, Czech universities did not allow me to align my internal ADD cycles with their inhuman academic demands.

Cure?

What helps me not to blow up every single time when something pissed me of is the exercise. I also need more time and to rest. I genuinely prefer not to work under much pressure and stress. The more stress, the worst it is gonna get. On the other hand, I’m quite good at planning and I like to spread out the difficult tasks among more days and do every day a bit.

The other rule is to be kind and understanding to yourself. I oftentimes blame myself for not being the way I would like to be and this type of attitude just leads to nowhere.

Positives

People with ADD are very creative. Their brain 🧠 is one big creative machine throwing ideas 💡 every second. I feel they are also good showmen who belong mostly in creative fields.

The way to freedom

When I was at Czech law school and I was studying 2 majors at once (Masters of Laws and Law in Public Administration) and working in a legal firm on the top of that I had problem to cope with my busy mind. Back then it was the first time I have heard of meditation, yoga and spirituality. It was appealing to me naturally and I really managed to meditate every day back then and notice the benefits it had on my mind.

But I was not meditating either doing yoga for quite a while now. No time... It is hard to survive in the world where everything is based on money. Time just might be the most precious commodity we own. So make sure you won't sell your time to others cheap! 😉

An alternative way: medication 💊

Lastly Maté suggests that medication is not necessary, but it could help significantly if one decides to try it. Maté speaks about two major drugs called ritalin and dexedrine.

(Waiver: I'm not giving a medical advice in this article, if you want to try any of those substances, you should discuss it with your practitioner first.)

The dosing is suppose to be individual. Each brain has it's own chemical balance. The advice is to start with low doses of either ritalin or dexedrine. Watch out for side-effects and then to choose a medication which fits the individual the best.

To determine the dosage of psychostimulants is according to Maté a bit harder than with a regular medication. A small child might need bigger dosage than an adult and vice versa. This all should be left to the individual consideration.

I personally haven't tried any of these. Nevertheless, both drugs sparked up my attention. Some individuals report to "calm their minds" and finally being able to concentrate on one task.

Kaiser’s Verdict: 

I get that not everybody finds this book as useful as I do, unless that person deals with somebody with ADD. For me was this book groundbreaking in terms to find a way of how can I understand myself. Therefore I'm awarding it 8 stars out of 5 possible. 😂

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⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️/+⭐️⭐️⭐️

Feel free to like, share and comment or recommend books/courses you find inspirational yourself. I’m keen to hear about them.

Coming Up Next:

The Body Keeps The Score by Bessel van der Kolk, MD

Peace 🧘‍♂️✌️🌱