‼️ It Didn't Start with You: How Inherited Family Trauma Shapes Who We Are and How To End the Cycle by Mark Wolynn ‼️

 33/∞

‼️ It Didn't Start with You: How Inherited Family Trauma Shapes Who We Are and How To End the Cycle by Mark Wolynn ‼️

Rating: ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

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Before I started to read this book I have read some reviews and they sounded rather skeptical. They usually went: “Mark Wolynn is not a psychologist, he does not know what is he taking about.” 

But honestly I think Wolynn in onto something. He is researching area where trauma is inherited in the family. Victims of inherited trauma are e.g. holocaust survivors, survivors of Ukrainian famine in 1930’ to the survivors of various modern genocides like the one in Cambodia, Rwanda etc. I’m also going to say victims of communist injustices. 

In the other words, he is looking in to the area, where trauma was not caused by the subjects themselves, but it was transferred in the family on the offsprings by the behaviour of the parents and grandparents. Those traumas often appear in the 2nd or 3rd generation.

...

Wolynn even claims (and I do agree with him) that the child will be influenced by the emotions its mother is experiencing while pregnant.

It was found out that mothers who were pregnant during the armed conflict and had to take cover during air raids) have given the birth to children who could hear better in case of sensed danger.

I find it quite funny. We as people are suppose to be a record of past events. Directly caused to us or transferred onto us by our families. The problem is, while some of those skills could have helped us to survive in the past, there is no guarantee that the history will repeat itself. As the consequence, many of those “survival modes” will become obsolete. I dare to say we might be in greater needs of new, more important skills which are going to help us to survive. But we do not know them. yet. 

I stated to understand that it is vital of how much attention a child gets since it’s born. Children with attention deficit from their mothers are likely to have ADHD. Not because they would have more energy than other kids and want to be annoying and hyper, but because it helped them to get attention of their mothers when they were very little.

Now, I’m going to speak about myself. Right at the beginning, I would like to mention that I do not have a great relationship with my parents at the moment. Hate would the best word to describe our relationship.

Moreover, I feel that my mother was rather abusive and unnecessarily hard on me throughout my life. Which made me always really successful abroad, but not so much in my own country of origin. Contrary, my parents were not so harsh on my brother. I was always in the first line, so my brother could chill and have an easy life.

My parents also used me as a “buffer zone” when they were angry with one another. I was there it mitigate their frustrations. It might have worked when I was child, but nowadays, I really do not fucking care and I prefer to keep my distance from both of my parents. 😃

My mother was also abusive in the way that she never gave me money for simple necessities, such as bus ticket to school etc. After convincing, she gave me some, but it was not enough. I then came to her and told her it is not enough. She was unwilling to give me more, which made me feel since I was a child to feel like I always struggling with money.

I wonder where has she inherited this kind of behaviour. My grandmother acted in the similar way, but it was never hard to convince her to give up an appropriate amount.

I revenged my mother recently, when she was travelling abroad and urgently needed a code for a suitcase fitting Ryanair “cabin luggage dimensions.” I told her I do not know the code. I did know the code, I have stored it carefully in my phone, but honestly, could have I be bothered?

Recently I connected one long deceased person in my family with my mother’s behaviour. My great grandmother. Nobody in the entire family liked her. She was abusive, aggressive and pretentious shrew. Why? I do not know… I only heard that my great grandfather had to give her an entire salary every month. She then spent very little on the household and more on luxuries for herself. As great grandfather was a cop, when she had one of her aggressive fits, he handcuffed her to the bed, my grandmother told me. Somehow, my grandmother was the complete opposite. Understanding, calm, caring, fair and just. She was soothing some of the injustices in our family and was probably the only person to visit my great grandmother until she died even though it was not her responsibility. My grandfather did not care much about his mother and my grandmother. He barely visited.

My great grandmother was also not very nice to my grandfather (her son). He never liked to stay at home, because she was abusive. Similarly like me. I also never liked to spend time at home. Somehow I think that this abusive behaviour was transferred from my great grandmother to my mother (to the 2nd generation). Why was my great grandmother so fucked up is yet to be discovered.

There is another story related to my family. My father always acted as my opinion does not matter in the family. He was always earning the most money in the family, but his power was money induced. I could have do anything as a child not requiring my parent’s permission as long as it did not involve money. When you are a child, it is alright, but when you get older you need money to do things, especially if you live in a big city, where an every day costs something.

In the other words, in my family, nobody respects my father because he is a good person or anything like that. They respect him because he has money and therefore power over others.

I have learned to hate such behaviour since I was a child. There is something in me which does not allow me to be “owned” by anybody. I prefer freedom and I do not like to rely on others. Which could be quite lonely and I certainly do not prefer it.

I also feel weirdly because I have better memories on my grandmother than on my mother. It was a tradition to send children to nursery since they were like 2 years old in communist countries. Workers gotta work, everything else will be taken care of by the fucking centralised state. 

When 2 years old, I was sent to already post-communist nursery. The memory still scares me… The carpets were crimson red, the toys were broken and ugly and looked like those from Chernobyl. There were thick oringy curtains and very little light. I was tricked by teachers and other children to play with my mother, until I have turned around and my mother was gone. It did not make me happy to be left in the ugly post-bolshevik nursery.

My mother also sent me away when I was little. It was something it happened to her and so the vicious cycle repeats itself. When my mother was very little, my grandmother was taken to hospital. My grandfather did not know what to do with a little children (and only the God knows how he has been treated by his mother, my great grandmother) and took her to infant home… My mother said there for 2 weeks before she was picked up again by my grandmother.

In the other words, this caused a damage to my mother, who then supposedly needed to to finish university when I was born and I was sent to my grandmother. I do not know for how many months was she gone. My grandmother only told me I did not recognised my my mother when she stepped again into the door. I was suppose to ask: “Grandma, who is this strange woman?”

Somehow my grandmother was more caring and understanding than my mother was. Although my mother told me that my grandmother was shouting at her all the time. My grandmother was a teacher and according on my mother, she was kind to children in the class but not so much kind to her own children she had at home. 🤷‍♂️

Anyway, I felt like my grandmother was there when I needed an emotional support, which I cannot really say about my mother. My mother does it until this day and I observed she does it to my brother as well. She acts as she is busy and has no time… She might be ironing and watching TV, but is emotionally unavailable. Which is alright sometimes, but this happened barely sometimes.

There is also another story related to my mother’s family. My grandfather is a lawyer and in 1960’ he fled communist Czechoslovakia to Norway. Unfortunately, without his family (grandmother and 2 children). My grandmother said she is not going to follow him to Norway. My grandfather eventually returned, but was cracked down by the evil communists. From what I understand, he was offered to “return back to the normal life” in exchange of giving up a few names… He chose giving up a few names. There is a great shame in my mother’s family since that day. Women in my mothers family hate “grasses” and “informers.” So since I was a very little child I have never grassed anybody off, nevertheless I was grassed off many times (those children were probably descendants of commie informers)… 😀 I hope they will end up in GULAG one day. ❤️

Anyway, this “shame” goes in my family until this day. My mother is very secretive about the real state of “things” in the family on the outside, which reminds me of communist era when almost everybody acted in similar manner. In the other words, many things in my family appear normal on the outside, although they are totally wrong and fucked up on the inside.

It also leads to the fact that members of my family are not trying to resolve any problem between themselves… They are just venting their frustrations on the outside, because it is perceived as nothing inside cannot be changed. So, when you see I’m angry. You know why. Anger is my family has chain-like effect.

Physical contact in my family is also somehow abandoned. Like hugging, being nice to each other etc. When I went in the US, I was so astonished by people hugging each other on almost any occasion. I really liked it and wanted to keep it while living in the Czech Republic or Britain or Germany. But let’s say you just do not hug people in regular basis in the Czech Rep… It is not normal, dude! 😃

My family also made me feel bad for wanting something I was in great  need of. It could be “things” or “emotional support.” E.g. when I was in the UK, my family did not sent me any money, neither love. It would have been okay, if they would have been poor fucking Eastern Europeans driving a cart pulled by two fucking donkies. But they are not, especially my father has decided not to send me any money. I swear to God I hated Wales!!! I could not do activities other students did because it requires money. When others were partying I had to be in work, permanently exhausted and keep listening dumb fucking remarks of uneducated white work class Britons about how Easter European I am. Special thanks to my family for all of that! I call it jewish-like behaviour.

I won’t be setting bar so high for my children and I will try to provide them with enough money at let when they are studying so they do not need to quit as I did.

My parents can contrary look forward to spend rest of their lives in elderly homes, because I’m really pissed off how was I treated by my parents and I have no intention to take care of them while they are old.

Some people should realise that younger generation always wins as we stay here longer than “them.”

Trick your minds

This is not mentioned in the book, but I use it as a part of my meditation. Let’s say I hate Czech universities. Once upon a time there was an evil communist teacher, who was in great need to impose her communist trauma and harm on a western educated student like me.

On the other hand, I really did not want to become a lawyer. It is a boring profession and lawyers are in my perception cool and interesting people. I excel in many other things and disciplines.

I remember that while at Czech law school surrounded by former communists I war really unhappy. Quitting, made me feel good and happy. I asked myself a question: what if I have finished a law school and was even more unhappy? How would I feel? I then came to conclusion that quitting then was the best solution I could have done at the time. Czech communist university had nothing to offer to me. 

Luckily there are ways out…

Wolynn says it is to love your parents. I just prefer to spend as little time with my parents as possible. I do not really need to visit them on Christmas, B-day parties etc. I also feel incredibly peaceful when I won’t come up in contact with my parents.

What you are going to chose is up to you. I recognise there are people who love their parents and have a great relationship with them. I’m happy for them, unfortunately, communism is over and we have to recognise that we are not all the same…

Trick your mind

This is not mentioned in the book, but I use it as a part of my meditation. Let’s say I hate Czech universities. Once upon a time there was an evil communist teacher, who was in great need to impose her communist trauma and harm on a western educated student like me.

On the other hand, I really did not want to become a lawyer. I have ADHA because of attention deficit of my mother and therefore not well suited for for work as a lawyer. I need fucking action! I need to communicate with people and solve problems! I need to lead because I lead batter than many other people.

I remember that while at Czech law school surrounded by former communists I war really unhappy. Quitting, made me feel good and happy. I asked myself a question: what if I have finished a law school and was even more unhappy? I then came to conclusion that quitting then was the best solution I could have done at the time. Czech communist university had nothing to offer to me. 

Conclusion:

I  see that the “Psychische Störungen” as Freud calls them can originate outside of the scope of our comprehension. I also realised that no matter who the fuck you are and what you do, there are always events and traumas outside of the scope of our comprehension.  The triggers are different for all of us, but it does not matter that they are irrelevant. Those flaws in comprehention affect our soul, but nobody can see them. It is up to us how we make peace with our demons. But those demons could be pretty dangerous, because theirs goal is to limit our true potential. The sooner we fight them, the better. 

I did not think that this book is going to be great, but in my perception it was a great book. It helped me intellectually uncover another dark nook of my soul and it certainly brought me some healing effect.

I can only recommend it. It helped me to defeat many demons unknown to me until this very moment.

⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

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Coming Up Next: 

Das Kapital von Karl Marx 🤩

Peace 🧘‍♂️✌️🌱